Move On
by Annzy Bananzy
Summary: I'm warning you, this isn't a happy story. this is the story of a tenth grade boy who's trying to figure out love… It's the story of me, figuring out that love is complicated, much more than it has to be… figuring out that love hurts, and trying to figure out the difference between love, and obsession… it's a story of heartbreak, and complications, and slightly about... Moving on.


I'm warning you, this isn't a happy story… this is the story of a tenth grade boy who's trying to figure out the complications of love… It's the story of me, figuring out that love is complicated, much more than it has to be… figuring out that love hurts, and trying to figure out the difference between love, and obsession… it's a story of heartbreak, and complications, and slightly of...

Moving on.

* * *

"Move on."

I watch the light in his eyes dim and his smile fade once he fully registers my words.

"You need to move on," I repeat again, looking him dead in the eyes so that he knows I mean it.

"… I can't –" he tries to say, so I interrupt him.

"Try harder."

Melvin swallows, his eyes looking sad, so sad… it kills me to see him like this, but he needs to move on… he _needs_ to…

"I can't," he says again, and this time I let him continue. Mainly because my tongue felt like lead and any moment I thought I'd throw up from the pit in my stomach. "I can't move on… I've tried before; if a year wasn't enough –"

I had to cut him off there; I knew if he continued that I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to say, and I'd give in. Again… "The difference between that year and this time is that you won't see me every day."

He stares at me, his eyes breaking, matching his broken life… Broken family, broken heart, broken spirit, broken everything… And I knew that, I _knew_ how broken he felt, I knew it all… how his parents hated each other, how they were going to get a divorce eventually, and how he was afraid that his horrible father would take his younger brother with him and mess him up, and how he blamed himself for everything that happened in his life… I knew how mangled he was, and yet I still continue to hurt him. I still continue to play with his heart while I figure out my own.

Well no more.

This needs to end. He needs to move on… if he doesn't, no matter what I do, he'll just keep getting hurt. He said being friends is too painful for him – being close, but not close enough… it hurts him, when honestly that's what I need – that's _all_ I need right now. I can deal with that; all I need is him in my life… but I'm willing to give that up if that means he'll stop being hurt because of me.

"What do you mean?" he finally asks, his voice timid.

I'm so not used to hearing his voice sound like that…

"I mean just what I said," I say, somehow managing to put conviction in my voice, even though inside I'm so, so confused and lost. _I'm just trying to figure out what's best… for _both_ of us_, I think before taking a deep breath and continuing. "We go to different schools now. We won't have to see each other ever again."

I can tell he's scared at the thought. Honestly, I am too, but I know I'll get over it… eventually. One day, I'll stop thinking about him all the time, my life will go on, I'll keep living… What I'm worried about is that he won't even try to move on. He won't try to forget. He won't try to do anything… He'll keep holding on to me, because I'm one of the only people who he's loved and had love back. He'll keep holding on even if it's painful, because latching on to me is less scary than losing me completely. But if he doesn't let go now, he'll just end up hurting himself even harder later on…

"… Don't say that –"

"I mean it," I say, my throat starting to clog up. I'm sure my voice sounded messed up, but as long as I don't start crying, it'll be all right. "You need to let go of me. I'm just going to keep hurting you. Move. On."

His face, his beautiful face, turns into one of perpetual sadness. If he was a crier, that's what he would have been doing at this moment… "I _can't_," he repeats again, almost like a mantra. "I'll just keep thinking about you… I think about you all the time, even when I don't mean to –"

"That's just the thing, Melvin," I interrupt, my voice cracking. "That's not _love_ you're feeling – it's an _obsession_, and obsessions are never good."

"… But don't you love me too?"

There it is. That question I don't want to answer, because no matter what I say, it'll just hurt him… "I don't know," I say, tears threatening my eyes. Damn it, I'm going to start bawling any minute… God, please let me hold off until he's gone… "I don't know anymore… I'm happy with you, and yet my stomach is always filled with dread and doubt and worry and I just don't know!-!" I grind my teeth to keep the tears at bay, internally yelling at myself for not being able to explain how I feel. I tell myself again, _He needs to move on_, because that's the only thing I know for certain. Being "together" is not possible right now, and being friends will only hurt him more, so the only option I see is to detach myself from his life completely so that he can move on…

Please, move on…

"… I can wait," he says.

"I don't want you to."

He shakes his head slightly. "Your parents talked to you, didn't they? That's why you're acting like this… do you always have to follow what they say?"

My stomach cringes. There he goes again, bringing my parents into the mix… Although I couldn't blame him; I even felt before that they were "getting in the way" of my love life just because it's with someone of the same gender…

But I don't feel that way anymore.

"They're just trying to help me, Melvin," I tell him, a single tear traversing down my cheek. "I'm only a tenth grader… I _am_ young, and I _don't_ know what I want. I'm just so confused, and… I _need_ to be single. I can't handle anything more. I thought I could, and I thought being with you would be great, but you even said it yourself." I take a shaky breath before finishing with: ""Love shouldn't be this complicated.""

"But we can handle it!" he says, like I knew he would. "We can handle it together! We've faced worse, we've made it through worse -!"

"No," I say, shaking my head. "No, we haven't." I can't speak anymore, for I fear if I do, the tears will start falling, and I won't be able to control them.

He says we've been through worse, but we really haven't.

"… Why do you keep doing this to me?" he asks, water on the edges of his eyes… Wow, I've never seen him cry before…

It makes my heart break.

"I'm sorry," I say, my voice high and cracking. He's right; I keep doing this to him… I did this to him in eighth grade too; I told him I loved him and then took it back when my mom found out. After that, we somehow managed to continue our friendship, and it was great! I loved just hanging out with him and having a good time. We were good together, we agreed on almost everything, we never fought (about anything important, anyways), we loved a lot of the same things, and we were just different enough to keep things interesting.

And then I fucked it up.

I got together with another boy, and I had no idea that while I was so "happy" with him, that Melvin was so miserable… seeing me with somehow else, completely unattainable to him now – I even told him about all the shit we did together, not knowing that I might as well have been shooting his heart with a shotgun. But that's the thing; he hid his love so well… I thought he was over me, in that year that we were just friends. I thought that we had reverted back to friend mode, but apparently that was just me…

And when my stupid, not-even-a-year relationship ended in horrible, horrible failure and I felt completely heartbroken, he was the one to comfort me… he was the one who helped me move on, he was the one who was there for me, he's the one who's _always_ there for me…

But now it needs to end.

"I'm sorry," I repeat, taking a shallow breath. "That's why I'm trying to end the cycle now. All I can do is keep hurting you…" I know what he's going to say, but I'm fully convinced that being apart is the best thing for us…

"That's not all you can do," he says, just like I knew he would. "You make me so happy, Ryou." I could feel my stomach twist when he said my name in that quiet voice. "I love you so much… And I don't understand why you can't stand up to your parents –"

"Because!" I interrupt, just shy of yelling. I could never yell at him… "I realize that they're a little right!-! But not because you're a boy." I can't stand to look at him anymore; my throat feel so clogged, I'm surprised I haven't started full-on crying yet. "They're right that I'm not ready for this type of commitment… I'm only fifteen, and my opinions and thoughts will keep changing –"

"Just a little while ago, you were talking about our children," he tells me, his voice choking. My stomach digs itself into a deeper hole as he continues. "You said you wanted to adopt four children… two girls and two boys, so that each one would know what it's like to have a brother and a sister, and you want a boy first so that he can protect his little sisters…" I can't say anything, but I realize I should have when he continues. "You even talked about us both being teachers and torturing our kids, and having fun together –"

"I know," I stop him short. "I know what I said… But I was blind." I cover my tear-stained eyes, thinking to myself. "I felt… back then…" I don't know what to say. I don't know what to tell him. I never know, I can never explain myself properly, except when I'm writing…

Another activity that we love to do together.

Why can't I just tell him how I feel? Why can't I just tell him that I felt like I owed him… I felt like I owed him my love, since he loved me so much. And, well, I do love him, but… all I really need is a friendship from him… and if the only way to keep that was to get even closer, then I was all for it. I told myself I could handle anything; even my parents' disapproval, but I can't… I really, really can't… And now I realize that this "love" we're feeling, it's just an obsession… that's all it is. I know it is; we're obsessed with each other because this is the first time where the person you like liked you back, and that thought always makes a person giddy with excitement, and blurs their vision from the truth… I know it's an obsession because we texted each other nonstop; even my brother who's _engaged_ doesn't text his girlfriend nonstop… It's not love, it's an obsession, we just _think_ it's love because we haven't experienced anything else…

… Love sucks.

You know, I was vaguely aware of how much he loved me after my horrible relationship ended, but I didn't want him to be the "rebound" guy, and… in my gut, I just knew that it would end badly, like it was right now… So I tried to hide my feelings, but not really… me and my stupid self, I cuddled with him when we watched movies, holding his hand, I even kissed his cheek… and he didn't question it, because he figured that's just the type of person I was – the type to not be afraid to get to close, the type that would kiss their friends on the cheek, if an occasion arose for it. And that was enough for me… being extremely close friends, but not just yet crossing the boundary to "couple."

… I give everyone who's reading this full permission to hate me, because I even hate myself.

But I need to do this.

"Ryou," Melvin says again, a tear falling from his eye. "Please don't leave me… I can't stand to lose you."

_Neither can I_. "Yes, you can, you can move on… make new friends, forget about me…"

"Haven't I told you that I can't?!" he tells me, his voice sounding so… broken… "The only people who would want to be friends with me anyways are people more messed up than I am!"

"That's not true!" I say sternly. There he was, talking bad about himself again. Considering the horrible childhood he's went through, though, it was understandable for him to be the way he was; depressed, moody, angry… And, to be honest, he was strong, he could make it through anything, he's just afraid… "You could make as many friends as you wanted, the only thing stopping you is _you_. Talk to people, stop being afraid…!"

"I could say the same thing to you," he tosses back easily, sending another wound into my stomach. He was referring to the fact that I had given up practically all of my other friends for him… Because, frankly, one good friend was all I needed. I didn't – _don't_ – need a group of people to call friends, I just need one that I can trust more than my life… and that was him. But the thing was, I did make some other friends, it wasn't a lot, but it was a few… I'm too afraid to make more… But, the thing was, even with them all I needed was Melvin to be happy…

"… I'll try," I tell him, though we both know I probably won't. Not for awhile at least. "But right now, I need you to get over me – I'm just going to keep hurting you." I don't know how many times I've said that, but it's true.

He shakes his head and resorts to the most dreaded argument that I knew he had. "Please, don't leave me… without you, there won't be anything to stop the knife."

I hold back a sob as my face twists into pure sorrow. How dare you use that tactic against me… I'm a caring person, I care about anyone who I see is sad, even people who are complete strangers to me, so knowing that someone that I love so dearly ever thought about that dreaded S word, suicide… it kills me every time. And the fact knowing that _I'm_ seemingly the only thing stopping him from going on with that terrible, horrific deed… it's so much pressure.

Another reason why I agreed to be his boyfriend…

Don't get me wrong; I do love him, but there were so many factors along with that love that lead to my decisions… but I realize now that I need to do what's best for me, not for anyone else.. after all, if I can't even help myself, how can I possible help anyone else?

… Again, I give you all full permission to hate me.

"If you use that knife," I finally manage to say, albeit a little shakily with my stomach full of nerves, "then I'll use it on myself too…"

I think we both were surprised to hear that I meant those words…

It's not so fun to have such a strong pressure thrown back at you, is it?

"I'll make this as easy as I can for you," I say when he just looks at me, speechless. "I won't contact you… from anywhere. Not facebook, or deviantart, or figment, or fanfiction, or tumblr, or youtube, or emails, or texts, or… anywhere…"

"Ryou –"

"If you try to contact me, I won't respond –"

"Don't…"

" – And if you try to arrange a time to hang out, I can guarantee I'll be busy that day… and my parents will vouch for me."

"Please…"

"While this is going on, I need you to stop thinking about me." I can see him about to say something, so I quickly say, "I know it'll be hard, I _know_, but please, try. Unsubscribe to me, defriend me, stop following me… just do anything you need to do to forget about me, it's the only way you'll be able to move on –"

"That's impossible!" he finally yells at me, tears falling freely now. "Everything I fucking see reminds me of you!-! You're my bunny…"

My stomach twists from the use of my nickname… the nickname I love. "Don't call me that anymore," I tell him sternly, looking down. "I'm not your bunny… not anymore."

"Ryou, please don't do this," he pleads again.

"But if being friends is painful for you then this is the only way!" I finally manage to yell at him, my face covered with saltwater. "We both need to move on, I know that this would be best…! I knew from the beginning! I was just too afraid to act on it from the beginning, but my head is clear now…" I take a deep breath and turn my back on him, prepared to walk out of his life forever… prepared to try and move on, prepared to keep on living…

All the while fearing that he'll be prepared to do the exact opposite…

"Your parents grounded you so that you wouldn't be able to talk to me," he says quietly. "Didn't they? That's why they took away your phone and your iPod…"

I take a deep breath. "Yes. And being away from your constant talking and filling my head with all of this "love"… it helped me realize what's best… and I know you don't like it right now, but this is it…"

I closed my eyes as I remembered something else.

All the while I was with him… I was happy, yes, but I was also always filled with worry and anxiousness… and when my parents helped me find a way out of this situation by "grounding" me and helping me cease communications with him, and telling me that if I just didn't talk to him for a long while that he'd eventually get the hint and move on… I felt so relieved. I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, I wouldn't have to be the only thing stopping the knife, I wouldn't have to deal with the obsession anymore…

But alas, I couldn't keep up with the plan.

There were so many sites that he could contact me with… it was inevitable for him to want to talk to me through one of them. After all, he thought everything was just fine, that I was just grounded for some weird reason…

So now it came to this.

"… You're really leaving me," he says quietly, incredulously, almost like he's wishing that this was all a dream. "You're really…"

"I don't want to," I tell him truthfully, my words dying at the end. "But this is the only way…"

"No, it's not –"

"I just want to be friends," I tell him outright. "That's all I need. Would it be all right with you if we were just friends?"

"… I told you," he says, swallowing again. "It hurts me, to be close but not close enough –"

"Then this is goodbye," I tell him finally, swallowing down all of the bile in my throat. "Please, move on… the pain will ebb eventually, especially since you don't have to see me anymore…"

I turn and run away from him, ignoring anything he started shouting at me. I just keep running, all the while tears running down my cheeks as I quietly sob… _I'm sorry, Melvin_, I say to myself, wiping my eyes. _I'm sorry… eventually – no, _gradually_, we'll forget about each other, we'll continue living our lives as normal, everything will be fine… just keep living… please, _please_ just keep living; talk to your parents, try to live happily… And please… _please…!

_Move on…_

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**A/N: Please review.**


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